Based on "Connect" by David Bradford & Carole Robin (Stanford)
Most leaders know feedback matters. Few do it well. The problem isn't intention — it's execution. We give feedback based on assumptions, label behaviors instead of describing them, and deliver it in ways that make the other person defensive before the real conversation even starts.
David Bradford and Carole Robin, professors at Stanford's Graduate School of Business and creators of the legendary "Touchy Feely" course (Interpersonal Dynamics), spent decades studying what makes feedback land — and what makes it fail. Their book Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships offers one of the most practical frameworks for feedback in leadership.
The core insight: feedback starts a conversation. It doesn't end it. And to start that conversation well, you need to understand the three realities at play every time you interact with someone.
"You can say almost anything to almost anybody — if you stick with your reality."
Every interaction between two people involves three distinct realities. Understanding which one you're operating in is the foundation of effective feedback.
Your intent — why you're saying what you're saying — is invisible to the other person. You know it. They don't. This is where most feedback goes wrong: we assume the other person can read our intentions, or worse, we assume we can read theirs.
Common mistake
"You want to dominate this discussion" — this is an attribution about intent. You don't know that. It's your assumption, not their reality.
Bradford and Robin use a tennis metaphor: imagine a net between Reality 1 (intent) and Reality 2 (behavior). In tennis, you can't play in the other's court. The same applies to feedback — you have to stay on your side.
Going "over the net" means making attributions about the other person's motives or character. It's the most common feedback mistake, and it almost always triggers defensiveness.
Over the net
You don't care about this project.
On your side
I've noticed you've missed the last two deadlines. I'm concerned about the timeline.
Over the net
You want to control everything.
On your side
In the last three meetings, you made the final call without asking for input. I felt sidelined.
Over the net
I feel like you only think about yourself.
On your side
When you took credit for the report in front of the client, I felt invisible.
Bradford and Robin identify a set of common reasons leaders avoid giving feedback — even when they know they should. Recognizing your own pattern is the first step to changing it.
Fear of damaging the relationship
Believing harmony depends on avoiding conflict.
Wanting to be liked
Withholding feedback to be seen as a 'nice person'.
Worrying about being wrong
Thinking 'it's my problem, not theirs.'
Fear of retaliation
Worried the other person will give feedback back.
Vague delivery
Sugarcoating so much the receiver misses the point.
Waiting too long
Letting the moment pass until it becomes a pattern.
Feedback is a skill, and like any skill, it improves with intentional practice. Bradford and Robin suggest a simple structure: describe the observable behavior, share the impact on you, and then open the conversation — don't close it. Ask what's going on for the other person. Be curious, not conclusive.
Timing matters too. Feedback close to the event is more impactful because it's fresh. If you're too upset to be constructive, wait an hour — but tell the person you need to talk. Don't let it become a pattern you never address. And whenever possible, do it in person or by video. Email strips away the nuance that makes feedback land well.
"Feedback is data. The more data I have, the more choices I have in how I proceed. In that regard, your feedback on something I haven't done well — and don't know I haven't done well — is a gift."
Elev.H helps you record observations, structure feedback, and deliver it in a way that actually develops people.
Based on: Bradford, D. & Robin, C. (2021). Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues. Currency / Crown Business. The "Interpersonal Dynamics" course has been taught at Stanford GSB for over 40 years.